Goodbye 250's! On the road to the SEXY new me!

Yeah, so I'm fat. I never claimed not to be. If you had my husband for 10 years you'd have crappy self-esteem too. You'd find love in food and drown your troubles in it.

No more.

I cheated this morning, I weighed again. I'm really only supposed to weigh once a week, so that way at each weigh-in I feel like I've accomplished something. I'm down 7 lbs from my starting weight, and have said goodbye to the 250's. The good thing is, I'm not 5' tall. I'm nearly 6' tall, so 248 lbs on me looks different than on a short person. Not justifying my weight, but at least I won't have to wear a tent for clothes much longer.

I've decided to give up my membership to the gym. I never used it, and don't want to. It was a couples membership I got with the ex. I'm taking my name off the contract so he can add his girlfriend that lives with him. My stomach turns every time I even think about her.

Am I jealous? I don't think so. What I'm upset about is how blind I was to the fact he had a relationship with her long before my father died in July. The ex can blame my mom for busting our relationship up, but you know what - he did it a year and a half ago when he made the internet and his online girlfriends and his porn more important than his family.

Enough of that, I'm still depressed over the XBOX. Not like I can use it while I live here, but I'd at least like to know it works, you know?

::sigh::

So a co-worker talked to me about 24-hour Fitness. I think I'm going to try them. For the main reason that they are the company that promotes the Biggest Loser. And there were people competing for the show here. So they are used to fat, out of shape people who are determined to lose weight. That's me. I want to walk into that courtroom as skinny and sexy as possible, so that the ex is drooling all over something he will be forever kicking himself because he gave it up and will never have it again. The satisfaction I will feel when I show him and his butt-ugly girlfriend that I AM sexy, that I AM the hottest thing there is, and HA HA you gave it up. It will be priceless, and the only payback I will need.

I will need all the support I can get. Please leave comments, subscribe to my feeds... I need to know that I'm not alone, that I can really do this, and show the world who I really am.

Sunday struggles

Well, today was my first Sunday of the New Year. My bishop called me to the primary. I was suprised, he knew I was a smoker but he also knows I'm struggling with it and trying to quit. He understands and that gives me hope. The fact that I'm not judged for my struggles from a previous life makes me really feel like I can be a primary teacher, and can be a good example to kids. Maybe this is what I need to quit - being a teacher and a role model.

My room is a mess, I went through my storage unit over the weekend to get my church bag - that had all my previous primary saved lessons in it, hoping to save myself some time from lessons that are already prepared. A lot of old church stuff in that backpack, and it was beaten from use and heavy books, scriptures and every other thing I would carry in it. So I went and picked up a new backpack. I've loaded nearly the same stuff in it, but the construction on the new one seems to be better. I think it will hold up longer than the first one. Only time will tell.

I blew my diet this weekend. I had an incurable sweet tooth, and it made me sad. We all know that sugar creates hunger - and that's exactly what it did. I had an incurable sweet tooth and it took me until today to figure out the more I eat the more I want. ACK! Not good. So I'm going back to plan tomorrow.

It's late. I just got finished with the emails I do for work. 211 emails to start off with, 1/2 junk the rest had to be answered. I got about 2/3 of the way done. There were just way too many.

The road conditions are supposed to be crappy tomorrow morning, so I'm headed to bed since I need to plan on an extra 1/2 hour because of traffic and the slickness of the road.

....

I'm tired. Today was a long day. I had to have my car in the shop to have the brakes repaired but I knew I would need to do it while I was at work. I had no choice but to go to the dealer and have them shuttle me to work. That alone was a pain. And costly. Hasn't anyone ever told you not to have the dealer work on a vehicle unless it's warranty service?

I took back everything I got at Fashion Bug yesterday. I couldn't afford all that stuff for one, and because most of it I ended up not liking once I got home and could try it in REAL light in a REAL mirror. I traded them for some other things, and got a bunch of my money back.

I did well on Weight Watchers today - I used all my points but I didn't go over. I cheated though, and weighed this morning just out of curiosity and I had already dropped a pound. Yay. The stuff I traded at Fashion Bug I got some cute things that are too small, so they will look better when I lose 5-20 lbs. My goal is to be down 15 lbs by the end of January. I don't want to drop it fast, I've done that before and ended up regretting it.

Other things of note, I've got an appointment with an attorney on Monday for my divorce. I'm also doing better with smoking, though I haven't quit yet. I don't go out for smoke breaks when I'm at work anymore, it stays busy enough and thankfully when I'm on the computer I don't have that urge for nicotine. It's after when my brain is more dormant that I have a problem. So I think the trick will be to keep my brain active and concentrating on other things.

I guess I should start taking some pictures so I can do a before and after thing. I know I'm pretty, I'm just fat and depressed. But I'm working on that. Having the opportunity to go clothes shopping and purchase a 14/16 blouse rather than a 22/24 blouse is a positive experience. I hope to be able to purchase one cute thing every time I drop significant weight where I can't get away with wearing the larger clothes anymore.

OK I've got movies to watch and review. Hasta lasagna, don't get any on ya.

The First REAL DAY of Weight Watchers....

I really didn't do that badly. I'm actually quite happy about it. I picked the FLEX plan, the one with the points. I feel it gives me a system I can understand, and it gives me the chance to retrain my thinking about what I eat. I love the WWOnline program, and entering everything I eat. It makes a daily food journal EASY as PIE. Speaking of pie, I had lots and lots of food today, didn't go hungry, and still had 9.5 points left at the end of the day.

I love the fact that broccoli and green salad is free, and my favorite dressing is free, and I can have what I want. Though I don't like a lot of dressing, it's nice to be able to have ranch dressing on a salad without visually seeing the pounds heading toward my mouth.

I know this is going to work. I enjoyed today, I had fun with my food (without playing with it) and I feel anxious to start tomorrow. A few more days of this and maybe I'll even hit the gym! The ex is paying for a couple's membership, but we live 160 miles apart. To cancel our membership, it's a $400 buyout. So he hasn't done it yet. May as well use it, huh?

Today was the first day back to work after the holiday. Boy could I tell. It had Monday written all over it, and we were very busy.

On the way home from work, I decided to stop off at Fashion Bug (it's cheaper than Torrid and actually on my way) to see if I could get some pants. I'm losing weight, I've lost a pant size even with the holidays... so I don't want anything expensive or loose fitting. They have to look good even when tight, because they will have to travel with me as I lose several pant sizes. I hate shopping alone, I can't ever figure out what looks good on me. I can guess, but that's all it is - a guess. I hate taking the kids with me when I shop, they are monsters. So consequently I bought 7 pairs of pants and a pair of shoes to bring home and get a 2nd opinion. To make a long story short, all but the shoes and one pair of pants are going back. I swear I had 20 pair off the rack - and I think my maybe's and no's got confused because I brought pants home I didn't want, and was missing the pants I DID want. So I'm going back tomorrow to take the other 6 pair back and get a pair of brown pants that I tried on today and somehow just didn't buy.